The Randomness, The Seriousity

is my lack of words, a sign of health?
the withdrawal from the desire, should
need to hide, process independently, confine to space and vocabulary
concise - a bow on a package
is that compulsion towards perfection, organized thought and emotion, limiting?

Am I better in my real time processing?
More trusting in the ears and broad shoulders that surround me

Life is moving, blink by blink
I work and exist

I haven’t written, & posted in months. Drafts perhaps - skeletons of past selves, no matter how weak.

So I’ll write, for the sake of remembering
My lids are heavy, blinking tired.

You, are everything. My precious sun.

maaaaaaaaaaaan my brain couldn’t just take a W and shut the fuck up for a bit huh?

i hope you love me

The thought of suddenly losing Dan, is…inexplicably terrifying.

I don’t think I realized how integral he is to my life - how perhaps, dependent I am upon him - until these recent events.

I delay processing, or deflect emotional stress until I can see him; and by the grace of our relationship, the comfort of the room - stress is transformed into humor or nonchalance.

Not having him to process, to harbor me is a world I didn’t envision - at least so soon. The thought of losing him without saying goodbye, without over validating how grateful I am to him makes a welt rise in my throat, immediately.

Do you find a second therapist to grieve the first?

today is wanton slime cloying, irritant like too hot wax stuck to hair that loves home deeply rooted, too much

if your hands were on me would I feel better? or is the weight of you, drowning me even if it feels good, right, to die

days like today seem monumental short term catastrophe, long term blip how do we cope and fight what will we, can we, win?

I want to sleep forever in these days escape behind lids, happy in your arms lips that my mind creates don’t you want to weather the storm together?

Next time D and I hang out, we are going to visit dogs at a shelter, then come back to my house and make a fort in the atrium so we can listen to Beach House’s full discography on vinyl.

Then we will inevitably bang because neither of us have any self control 🙃